journal entry from last year

sometimes my mind thinks 
the only time 
i can live 
is if 
i give my soul away 

every fucking day
but,

i know will not survive. 

 poem

love is the worst 

for the ones who need it.
(who want it the most)
just trying to feel something 
inside that doesn't make me 
want to die
love is fucking awful
for the ones who need it the 
most. (want it). 

 oct~2025

i need to know if you even care for me.
i come crawling, dirt in my nails and blood 
dripping from my mouth.
i ask for forgiveness even though my soul is not wrong
but you make me beg.
i drag my knees: heavy, across the hardwood floors.
you could care less with your rings and your ego
filling you up too much.
you can't seem to find the edge.
you sit high with a puffed chest.
like lizards listen to you or men respect you. 
but here, where we cry and scream...
you still ask me, "what's your name"
    and now i know you haven't listened to a single
fucking word i've said over 

thousands of years. 

and how am i supposed to feel?

when all i see is fear.

 POEM

i feel like i'm constantly holding
my breath because if i make one tiny
noise, 
someone will come hounding. 

 mini poem 12000

even if i let the bugs eat my eyes
and have my hair. 

even if i 
let them seal my teeth 
and share my skin....

i know i would continue 
to 

     ITCH.

 poem
if i told you how i really felt, 
we probably wouldn't be friends.
my mouth stays full and shut.
no whispers or secrets ever escape. 
crying would become normal
and ears would bleed,
all if i told you how i really felt. 

 old diary entry ~ august 2026

i wake up to a familiar damp smell
i can see things i've already experienced
and stuff only the future holds secrets for.
dirt in my hair and under my nails, all while the years
had me in a chokehold and tears part from my eyes.
the moonlight drowns out 
the noise and i scream, 

         "i just want to feel everything and nothing at once"
as my father wipes away the tears and all i can taste is 
the color red: blood. 
and now the sun screeches to let us all know 
it is dawn.