August 1999- not a poem, just thoughts.

Do you guys ever feel so lost? So lonely that you don’t know where to look

My life feels like im upside down every day

I just wish I had control. I wish the thoughts in my soul were true.

Sometimes the keys don’t fit every lock, but today my life has shown different.

I think about how I would act if you were still here. I wonder if I would turn out to be me if you were here. Would I like the same music? Would I drive a jeep like you? My love for animals will stay true I know that for a fact. I know you love the way I smile and the look I give to my mother.

I wonder if you would teach me how to speak a different language. I wonder if we would be best friends. Sometimes my thoughts burry me in fear of you. I have weird dreams about you. I know when you are speaking to me when you show up in my happy dreams. One time we shared dinner together.

The candle light was beautiful gold and you asked how my sister was. She is doing great, she will be a DR in 10 years if she keeps going with school. I know she will, her brain is fit for the smarts. And I just got the weird brain, she is where the love for us meets on the ocean, her smile lights up a million planets. I ask her for her advice when it comes to anything black. I wonder if you were still here, would we go hiking together? Would you paint with me, would we actually go on family vacations?  I know there would be a “derek” ...his name may be different if you were still here but I know we would have a brother because of you and my mother. Sometimes I hate that you are dead.  But because of death I’ve learned to love the cemetery….the smell, the look, the spirts I feel. I love the cemetery. If I could, I would purchase a home with a cemetery as a yard. How peaceful they can be, makes me feel so whole. My heart is at its place when I’m at the cemetery. People get creeped out, and that’s why I have no friends. But I don’t care, no one is worth my human time if they are negative. I think you taught me that, you taught me how to be happy no matter what.  We share the same smile and nose... and yes I got my chocolate eyes from you too. My life is as good as it gets, but I think if you were around it would be better. I hate that I miss you every day. One day we will meet again, in that rainbow horizon, where the sun disappears and the moon doesn’t exist. We will greet each other with a smile and a hug. I cannot wait until that day, sometimes I wish it was today. I love you more than you know dad. xxoo