journal entry~ 20 october 2017.

Guys! First off… cheers to the fucking weekend. I am so pumped for this weekend. I have so much to do. First, I’m starting a new routine that I want to continue for a while. I want to wake up early.. 5 am early get my ass in gear and go to the gym. I have a fucking pass and I pay $25  a month for it.. so I need to start using it again. And I can feel my legs getting like jello… I’m not overweight by any means… but I’m not in the shape that I want. So I hope to get to that point. For the past… hmm two years I’ve felt like I’ve been in a black hole. A black hole that never ends, it’s just sadness over sadness for no goddamn reason. I was never like this in my life ever. I was a super happy baby, I was shy when school started but once you get to know me and I felt comfy around you… I was torrye. My energy was out of this world. I remember being in 7^th grade and I was so happy go lucky… older kids on my bus, cus you know middle and high school are on the same bus now… they would ask me what drugs I was on. I was never on drugs…. Haha I was just so fucking happy nothing could bring me down. I had a smile on 24/7. Even through high school… I fucking hated school and had NO friends besides a boyfriend at the time.. lasted two years… so junior and senior year I did my own thing.. alone.. but still happy. I find it so hard to make friends with humans around me ever since I was little. No one has the same taste in music or art as me. I would start going off about dave Matthews band… or how beautiful a saxophone was and people were like torr you are speaking a different language right now. So my friends were the ones I made up in my head and my mother. Legit. I finished high school and my mother and I went balls to the walls that year and the following summer.. going to dave matthews band shows. We went to Atlantic City, Govs Isand, Randalls Island, Hartford, SPAC… we went everywhere. I thought I was in heaven.. well I was in music heaven actually. We heard American Baby Intro.. I met Stanley Jordan AND CARTER BEAUFORD…. Like my life was fucking amazing!! Then it got down to “torr are you going to college yet?? What college?? What do you want to be when you grow up?” That fucking threw me right over the edge. How in the hell is a 17 year old supposed to know what she wants to be when she grows up?? Besides all the art/ music stuff I want to be when I grow up… I had no idea. (and besides my sis.. she is an evil genius and knew what she wanted to be once she left the womb) When I was like five I wanted to be a cop… now I’m like EFF THAT! NEVER! And in high school the counselors never helped you like they lie to our parents and say they do. They would only help you if you had a certain name in town or if you were going to the military. HS SUCKED! So I just worked my ass off full time, bought my own car….$12,000 later.. I still have my baby.. Rapunzel! Then I was like..I don’t want to end up at MCDonalds for the rest of my life… so I started taking night classes….and still am.. Slow and steady always wins the race torr.. I got to tell myself that otherwise I get down in the dumps thinking about all the other people my age that already finished college. Unfortunately, my mother couldn’t pay for mine so I had to save up, use as much finical aid as possible and go at night so I can afford my apartment, car, cat, life. I hate that I compare myself to these people.. in reality it’s so unrealistic because they aren’t like me. The only thing we have in common is we graduated together… they didn’t have the responsibly of buying their own car alone, getting their first apartment alone (well with my bf.. but no mommy or daddy paying for it). I was comparing myself to nonsense. I don’t know why or how I started doing this, but I do it all the time. And that can bring you down soooo far it’s impossible to get back up. I started crawling into this black hole of nothing. I didn’t think about anything, I didn’t enjoy music AT ALL, I didn’t read, I didn’t write. All I did was cry and sleep every day of my goddamn life. For no reason, I would wake up bawling my eyes out and it would continue all day. I couldn’t stop, ryan couldn’t help me, I just kept crying. I felt terrible, I thought my bf of five years was going to leave me because I wouldn’t stop crying… I physically couldn’t. I was sobbing every day for NO reason. My mother, brother, sister are all fine.. I have a place to live, I have food.. so why am I so fucking sad?? Why?? I would ask myself this every day.  Sometimes it was so bad I had to call out of work.. happened on multiple occasions. I felt like such a loser and a low life.. Like seriously torr you can’t go to work and sit at a desk for 8 hrs. you can’t hold yourself together for just work?? It was horrible. I would sit there and sob so much all day, I wasn’t hungry my stomach was in knots… there was nothing that would stop me. I ended up dropping to 109 lbs, because I had no appetite. I would end up crying myself to sleep. I’d fall asleep on the kitchen floor, the living room, in my bathroom. I didn’t even have the energy to lift my human body up to walk 4 steps into my bedroom. I would just collapse. I hated this feeling so much, you can’t describe it.. only thing I can say is evil. A black evil hole. I didn’t ever think of killing myself, or hurting myself.. all I wanted to do was run away. Run  far far away, where there was silence and nobody.. just me. Obviously through this and still now, I was going to a therapist. To try and figure out what is wrong with me. That is all I would say to ry… what is wrong with me ry why can’t I stop?? I tried a naturalist doctor.. who gave me fucking balls of salt and told me they would work. NO. I’ve tried cutting out coffee and caffeine…nope. Just made me MORE of a bitch HAHA! Went to a regular DR, all she did was jam prescription after prescription down my throat. Not even really listening to me…. Giving me depression meds. I don’t think I’m depressed, nor does Mark. I have horrible anxiety… but depression. NO WAY. Those meds freaked me the fuck out, I read all the warning label and side effects. WHAT  A NIGHTMARE. As if I wasn’t anxious enough.. this made me physically sick. I haven’t taken any of them. I’m afraid, I feel like it’s wrong diagnosis. Finally one day Mark and I are talking and he’s like torr your thoughts.. you obsess over your thoughts. Whether I’m putting the thoughts in my brain or other people are jamming horrible thoughts there. It was me. It still is me. I make myself sick, I try to become this perfect human or object that will never be me. I don’t know where all these sick ideas came from, but they are there and they are making me NUTS. This week has been great. I haven’t had a “freak out”… I haven’t cried for no reason. I’ve been cool as a cucumber and it’s nice. It’s nice to finally feel like I’m ok, like nothing’s wrong with  you torr. This is the first full week of happiness I’ve had in YEARS. I’m not just being dramatic, this is real life for me. And I know it’s real life for other humans too. We just obsess about thoughts, why can’t I look like this, what if this happens to my brother, what if the world ends. I’m hoping for more happy days and weeks to  come. I’m hoping changing my routine and taking care of torr first will help. I need to realize I’m the only one that can help myself.  I’m the only person who cares about me, my whole being. I can’t rely on my bf and my mother to give me that pat on the back, I need to do it for me. I need a happy Torr. So here is to many more years of a happy Torr! I know I’ll have bad days and I know I’ll have super good days, as long as I don’t get in the black hole again I should be ok. And here’s  to all the super sensitive, caring humans like me… you got this! Don’t let anything get in your way… don’t let yourself bring you down. You should bring yourself up… always.

xxoo torr