when you are hiking and end up at a cemetery........
Monday
POEM
Trees in the
road where they aren’t supposed to be.
Skies are
dark as death.
Light bulbs
don’t work while the men are out.
Upside down
mailboxes, dogs with no leash.
The world
seems to be coming to an end.
October is a
very scary month, ghosts around every corner
And a storm
that keeps trying to end the world.
Friday
journal entry~ 20 october 2017.
Guys!
First off… cheers to the fucking weekend. I am so pumped for this weekend. I
have so much to do. First, I’m starting a new routine that I want to continue
for a while. I want to wake up early.. 5 am early get my ass in gear and go to
the gym. I have a fucking pass and I pay $25 a month for it.. so I
need to start using it again. And I can feel my legs getting like jello… I’m
not overweight by any means… but I’m not in the shape that I want. So I hope to
get to that point. For the past… hmm two years I’ve felt like I’ve been in a
black hole. A black hole that never ends, it’s just sadness over sadness for no
goddamn reason. I was never like this in my life ever. I was a super happy
baby, I was shy when school started but once you get to know me and I felt
comfy around you… I was torrye. My energy was out of this world. I remember
being in 7th grade and I was so happy go lucky… older kids on
my bus, cus you know middle and high school are on the same bus now… they would
ask me what drugs I was on. I was never on drugs…. Haha I was just so fucking
happy nothing could bring me down. I had a smile on 24/7. Even through high
school… I fucking hated school and had NO friends besides a boyfriend at the
time.. lasted two years… so junior and senior year I did my own thing.. alone..
but still happy. I find it so hard to make friends with humans around me ever
since I was little. No one has the same taste in music or art as me. I would
start going off about dave Matthews band… or how beautiful a saxophone was and
people were like torr you are speaking a different language right now. So my
friends were the ones I made up in my head and my mother. Legit. I finished
high school and my mother and I went balls to the walls that year and the
following summer.. going to dave matthews band shows. We went to Atlantic City,
Govs Isand, Randalls Island, Hartford, SPAC… we went everywhere. I thought I
was in heaven.. well I was in music heaven actually. We heard American Baby
Intro.. I met Stanley Jordan AND CARTER BEAUFORD…. Like my life was fucking
amazing!! Then it got down to “torr are you going to college yet?? What
college?? What do you want to be when you grow up?” That fucking threw me right
over the edge. How in the hell is a 17 year old supposed to know what she wants
to be when she grows up?? Besides all the art/ music stuff I want to be when I
grow up… I had no idea. (and besides my sis.. she is an evil genius and knew
what she wanted to be once she left the womb) When I was like five I wanted to
be a cop… now I’m like EFF THAT! NEVER! And in high school the counselors never
helped you like they lie to our parents and say they do. They would only help
you if you had a certain name in town or if you were going to the military. HS
SUCKED! So I just worked my ass off full time, bought my own car….$12,000
later.. I still have my baby.. Rapunzel! Then I was like..I don’t want to end
up at MCDonalds for the rest of my life… so I started taking night classes….and
still am.. Slow and steady always wins the race torr.. I got to tell myself
that otherwise I get down in the dumps thinking about all the other people my
age that already finished college. Unfortunately, my mother couldn’t pay for
mine so I had to save up, use as much finical aid as possible and go at night
so I can afford my apartment, car, cat, life. I hate that I compare myself to
these people.. in reality it’s so unrealistic because they aren’t like me. The
only thing we have in common is we graduated together… they didn’t have the
responsibly of buying their own car alone, getting their first apartment alone
(well with my bf.. but no mommy or daddy paying for it). I was comparing myself
to nonsense. I don’t know why or how I started doing this, but I do it all the
time. And that can bring you down soooo far it’s impossible to get back up. I
started crawling into this black hole of nothing. I didn’t think about
anything, I didn’t enjoy music AT ALL, I didn’t read, I didn’t write. All I did
was cry and sleep every day of my goddamn life. For no reason, I would wake up
bawling my eyes out and it would continue all day. I couldn’t stop, ryan
couldn’t help me, I just kept crying. I felt terrible, I thought my bf of five
years was going to leave me because I wouldn’t stop crying… I physically
couldn’t. I was sobbing every day for NO reason. My mother, brother, sister are
all fine.. I have a place to live, I have food.. so why am I so fucking sad??
Why?? I would ask myself this every day. Sometimes it was so bad I
had to call out of work.. happened on multiple occasions. I felt like such a
loser and a low life.. Like seriously torr you can’t go to work and sit at a
desk for 8 hrs. you can’t hold yourself together for just work?? It was
horrible. I would sit there and sob so much all day, I wasn’t hungry my stomach
was in knots… there was nothing that would stop me. I ended up dropping to 109
lbs, because I had no appetite. I would end up crying myself to sleep. I’d fall
asleep on the kitchen floor, the living room, in my bathroom. I didn’t even
have the energy to lift my human body up to walk 4 steps into my bedroom. I
would just collapse. I hated this feeling so much, you can’t describe it.. only
thing I can say is evil. A black evil hole. I didn’t ever think of killing
myself, or hurting myself.. all I wanted to do was run away. Run far
far away, where there was silence and nobody.. just me. Obviously through this
and still now, I was going to a therapist. To try and figure out what is wrong
with me. That is all I would say to ry… what is wrong with me ry why can’t I
stop?? I tried a naturalist doctor.. who gave me fucking balls of salt and told
me they would work. NO. I’ve tried cutting out coffee and caffeine…nope. Just
made me MORE of a bitch HAHA! Went to a regular DR, all she did was jam
prescription after prescription down my throat. Not even really listening to
me…. Giving me depression meds. I don’t think I’m depressed, nor does Mark. I
have horrible anxiety… but depression. NO WAY. Those meds freaked me the fuck
out, I read all the warning label and side effects. WHAT A
NIGHTMARE. As if I wasn’t anxious enough.. this made me physically sick. I
haven’t taken any of them. I’m afraid, I feel like it’s wrong diagnosis.
Finally one day Mark and I are talking and he’s like torr your thoughts.. you
obsess over your thoughts. Whether I’m putting the thoughts in my brain or
other people are jamming horrible thoughts there. It was me. It still is me. I
make myself sick, I try to become this perfect human or object that will never
be me. I don’t know where all these sick ideas came from, but they are there
and they are making me NUTS. This week has been great. I haven’t had a “freak
out”… I haven’t cried for no reason. I’ve been cool as a cucumber and it’s
nice. It’s nice to finally feel like I’m ok, like nothing’s wrong with you
torr. This is the first full week of happiness I’ve had in YEARS. I’m not just
being dramatic, this is real life for me. And I know it’s real life for other
humans too. We just obsess about thoughts, why can’t I look like this, what if
this happens to my brother, what if the world ends. I’m hoping for more happy
days and weeks to come. I’m hoping changing my routine and taking
care of torr first will help. I need to realize I’m the only one that can help
myself. I’m the only person who cares about me, my whole being. I
can’t rely on my bf and my mother to give me that pat on the back, I need to do
it for me. I need a happy Torr. So here is to many more years of a happy Torr!
I know I’ll have bad days and I know I’ll have super good days, as long as I
don’t get in the black hole again I should be ok. And here’s to all
the super sensitive, caring humans like me… you got this! Don’t let anything
get in your way… don’t let yourself bring you down. You should bring yourself
up… always.
xxoo
torr
Thursday
poem
Autumn leaves make the old man smile
As he glances at the cracks in the sidewalk
He remembers his father and his past.
The past is scary if you think about it too long
The past brings back bad memories.
The cracks on the sidewalks don’t end.
Like the sunrise on the north bend.
Flowers continue to grow unless you stop
Feeding them.
Wednesday
August
1999- not a poem, just thoughts.
Do
you guys ever feel so lost? So lonely that you don’t know where to look
My
life feels like im upside down every day
I
just wish I had control. I wish the thoughts in my soul were true.
Sometimes
the keys don’t fit every lock, but today my life has shown different.
I
think about how I would act if you were still here. I wonder if I would turn
out to be me if you were here. Would I like the same music? Would I drive a
jeep like you? My love for animals will stay true I know that for a fact. I know
you love the way I smile and the look I give to my mother.
I
wonder if you would teach me how to speak a different language. I wonder if we
would be best friends. Sometimes my thoughts burry me in fear of you. I have
weird dreams about you. I know when you are speaking to me when you show up in
my happy dreams. One time we shared dinner together.
The
candle light was beautiful gold and you asked how my sister was. She is doing
great, she will be a DR in 10 years if she keeps going with school. I know she
will, her brain is fit for the smarts. And I just got the weird brain, she is
where the love for us meets on the ocean, her smile lights up a million
planets. I ask her for her advice when it comes to anything black. I wonder if
you were still here, would we go hiking together? Would you paint with me, would
we actually go on family vacations? I
know there would be a “derek” ...his name may be different if you were still
here but I know we would have a brother because of you and my mother. Sometimes
I hate that you are dead. But because of
death I’ve learned to love the cemetery….the smell, the look, the spirts I
feel. I love the cemetery. If I could, I would purchase a home with a cemetery
as a yard. How peaceful they can be, makes me feel so whole. My heart is at its
place when I’m at the cemetery. People get creeped out, and that’s why I have
no friends. But I don’t care, no one is worth my human time if they are
negative. I think you taught me that, you taught me how to be happy no matter
what. We share the same smile and nose...
and yes I got my chocolate eyes from you too. My life is as good as it gets,
but I think if you were around it would be better. I hate that I miss you every
day. One day we will meet again, in that rainbow horizon, where the sun disappears
and the moon doesn’t exist. We will greet each other with a smile and a hug. I
cannot wait until that day, sometimes I wish it was today. I love you more than
you know dad. xxoo
tiny poem 4 you.
throw the covers over us.let's pretend we are dancing with the stars
that the top of this blanket is the backside of the golden moon
let's run and hide far far away
where no humans can see us or tell us what to do.
the first time we kissed in the pouring rain
reminds me of this time we have right now, bliss.
the way your eyes meet mine, they begin to dance.
into the horizon is the place where bare souls lurk.
smooth as a button, your body rubs against mine.
the time when love existed, and we prayed together.
fill the dark air with love words, and throw up.
the darkness emerges from within,
he will take my soul tonight.
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