february 2026

i feel indifferent
i belong in the in between
the spaces between words
the gap between the ripples
a space like Earth but different.
a place where i can see through the fog
and mess.
    " i'm feeling pretty indifferent lately"
                                i whisper 

as i hold up a 
hydrangea to the sun

 for him

somedays i want to speak to you

but most days i want to 

hold you

 journal entry from last year

sometimes my mind thinks 
the only time 
i can live 
is if 
i give my soul away 

every fucking day
but,

i know will not survive. 

 poem

love is the worst 

for the ones who need it.
(who want it the most)
just trying to feel something 
inside that doesn't make me 
want to die
love is fucking awful
for the ones who need it the 
most. (want it). 

 oct~2025

i need to know if you even care for me.
i come crawling, dirt in my nails and blood 
dripping from my mouth.
i ask for forgiveness even though my soul is not wrong
but you make me beg.
i drag my knees: heavy, across the hardwood floors.
you could care less with your rings and your ego
filling you up too much.
you can't seem to find the edge.
you sit high with a puffed chest.
like lizards listen to you or men respect you. 
but here, where we cry and scream...
you still ask me, "what's your name"
    and now i know you haven't listened to a single
fucking word i've said over 

thousands of years. 

and how am i supposed to feel?

when all i see is fear.

 POEM

i feel like i'm constantly holding
my breath because if i make one tiny
noise, 
someone will come hounding. 

 mini poem 12000

even if i let the bugs eat my eyes
and have my hair. 

even if i 
let them seal my teeth 
and share my skin....

i know i would continue 
to 

     ITCH.

 poem
if i told you how i really felt, 
we probably wouldn't be friends.
my mouth stays full and shut.
no whispers or secrets ever escape. 
crying would become normal
and ears would bleed,
all if i told you how i really felt. 

 old diary entry ~ august 2026

i wake up to a familiar damp smell
i can see things i've already experienced
and stuff only the future holds secrets for.
dirt in my hair and under my nails, all while the years
had me in a chokehold and tears part from my eyes.
the moonlight drowns out 
the noise and i scream, 

         "i just want to feel everything and nothing at once"
as my father wipes away the tears and all i can taste is 
the color red: blood. 
and now the sun screeches to let us all know 
it is dawn. 

 

Drying up in conversation/You will be the one who cannot talk/All your insides fall to pieces/You just sit there wishing you could still make love

 blank
sometimes i wake up and just want to go to bed forever
i don't feel like finding the energy to chew my breakfast
or to swallow todays' regrets. i don't
want to wake the cinnamon scented halls today. 
but then i remember, i have my own backyard birds
and ferns
and somehow, i feel like i fit right  in

 september 23, 2026 poem

do you hear that?
what is the color green?
what is the air that fills the room with that dark amber scent?
what's the sound i hear when i fall in love with someone?
can you beat the ocean to a full moon? hanging high,
and nothing to say but look at the sky?
what is a star? can you feel the winter's angry winds now?
what happens when we finally die? 

will you hear my whispers at night? 

Recognize all equality
Vocalize solidarity
Exercise your tranquility
Glamorize all of love's needs

 

when you were yourself there was tasting sweet

                                                                September 24, 2024

i am grateful for ...
Zayne and Ezra,
fall's crisp air,
tea,
food and water,
books and pens,
meg <3,
my home,
the color green,
the time right before the sun rises and everything is quiet, dark yet beautiful,
my pink blanket,
the ability to feel every feeling even when it sucks,
plants, 
morning glories,
honey and maple syrup,
dried hydrangeas,
lemons.

 oct 10. 2024 
journal entry~

sometimes i feel bad for myself
like when things seem heavier than an empty sea,
when nothing happens but 

silent rain on a bland day.
sometimes i wish i could take it all back.
i could turn down a different road
     on days like today.
i wish no one knew my name and 
my story was unwritten.
   you can't change the life you previously lived
but moving forward 

  things can be different. 

 poem

i swallow the sweet words 

that gently fall from the side of his mouth.

for just one second, in THIS space, i feel fine.

i can feel his warmth all around me. 

 

i want to publish a children's book so bad. if you are an illustrator please help!!!

*vibes*

 

a February poem 

(different version) 

i feel indifferent like

i belong in the in between.

              the spaces between

                w o r d s,

  the gap between the ripple,

a space like Earth, but different.

where i can see through the fog

   of stress and mess.

"im feeling pretty indifferent lately"

   i whisper to the pink hydrangea,

while the winter moon glistens. 

poem

 i sit and wonder
when things will feel like me again.
we all change, but 
    this feels ravenous. 
i can't stop the hot tears and sad thoughts- 
haunted by the idea of losing you 
because i can't speak lately.
  i wonder how to feel and if you still care.
wound so tight i can barley breathe,
please just hold my aged and changed soul.
let me scream till i bleed just to feel- just 

to feel something again.
   just to make sure i am alive. freedom from pain
built up inside. i'm wound too tight 
i can't remember to breathe. when 
i speak again can anyone 
hear me? i feel a mossy kind of invisible lately,
where even my loudest scream doesn't reach. 
pain written all over my amber eyes and even my own 
  (dead)  father can't seem to help.
rip my heart out. while
   cloves and citrus fill the air, warm.
and nothing stands still. 

and i continue to sit and wonder

when things will feel like me again.

Fiona Apple @ the Greek Theater - Left Alone

 February 13th 2021

don't go singing
feet up- into the 
angry mountains
   for the snow hasn't 
kissed midnight yet

don't go dancing
belly up- into the 
mellow sea 
for the fish haven't heard
from the dawn in centuries

don't go walking 
chin up- into the 
dry forest
for the branches haven't
felt rain since the sun 
rose 

 little pieces and bits (of poems) that didn't make it 
     but maybe one day will .... 
(poem guts) 

the stove hums in the back of the room while black amber and cloves linger...

ever wonder how you were brought to the exact spot you rest?

i want to have poppies planted at my funeral.

i want to be bad, big, bold and sensitive.

for you, for me,
     the stars continue to bleed.

 mini poem (smaller than a pocket poem)

"i may never fully experience life as a happy person.

       my dad is still dead and certain days just drag on for 

something longer than a century and outweighing elephants.

but at least i'm honest and honesty gets you farther

    than a rainy Wednesday with lukewarm coffee," 

                                                         cried Torrye.

 piano solo

i sit and sink into my mundane thoughts

stuck between letters and run on sentences

(i begin to breathe. just calm and breathe)

today i realized that my life 

is what i make it and if i want to cry over the beauty

my living room fireplace brings, so be it. 

if i want to dance, silly in the rain with just socks on,

just let me. i can sit in this uncomfortable body

someone gifted me or i can study the sounds

the wind makes,

                                                it's my choice.

 poem

i feel indifferent, i don't feel anything until I explode

(but i feel it all, all the time)

    i belong in the in between. a space like Earth, but different....

the s p a c e s between words, the gap between each ripple

 a space like Earth, but different....

i can see through the murky fog and Winter mess

   "I'm feeling pretty indifferent lately"  

i whisper as i quietly lick the hydrangea 

that dresses my left hand