poem

 i sit and wonder
when things will feel like me again.
we all change, but 
    this feels ravenous. 
i can't stop the hot tears and sad thoughts- 
haunted by the idea of losing you 
because i can't speak lately.
  i wonder how to feel and if you still care.
wound so tight i can barley breathe,
please just hold my aged and changed soul.
let me scream till i bleed just to feel- just 

to feel something again.
   just to make sure i am alive. freedom from pain
built up inside. i'm wound too tight 
i can't remember to breathe. when 
i speak again can anyone 
hear me? i feel a mossy kind of invisible lately,
where even my loudest scream doesn't reach. 
pain written all over my amber eyes and even my own 
  (dead)  father can't seem to help.
rip my heart out. while
   cloves and citrus fill the air, warm.
and nothing stands still. 

and i continue to sit and wonder

when things will feel like me again.